[In My Minds Eye]
What a charismatic soul I met about a year and a half ago..
Probably could have called me by the name of Juliet, and him, by the name of Romeo..
At our very first sights, and our very first hello, meeting him made my heart overflow with an afterglow that quickly splashed past the status quo..
I even created and recited a song, on how much together forever I knew we belonged..
That very same song, is what we leaned on — and an abbreviated version of it, went a little something like this,
I quote:
“You couldn’t be more seamless — I really mean this..
I have to tell you it’s a sign that as your honorary feline, I’ve defined and assigned, that we’re so very much aligned..
You’re so sexy and so fine and so kind — I’m so lucky that you’re mine..
It’s not a thesis, but proven genius, your uniqueness..
So let’s admit and reminisce — that you’ve been oh so blatantly chivalrous..
No way no how, could I resist or dismiss the bliss from your kiss..
I’m not sure I could gist the entire ongoing list, cause we’d fall into abyss..
But don’t be surprised, when I’m by your side, filled with so much pride..
So serene our routine..
I’ll be your queen in the scene..
We’re so seamless — I really mean this..
We’re so strong, we must belong, so let’s hit the gong..”
End quote.
This became our manifesto — we’d even blast it on the stereo from the studio so all could know..
Perhaps, maybe, I should have laid low, or brought down the tempo — for what at the time, was still just a newly met John Doe..
But even so, together we planted and sowed — a picture perfect painting that fit perfectly into the vision of our future chateau — where we’d one day continue to grow..
I can say that back then, I just didn’t know — I didn’t know how far he’d go — to keep me down, to keep me low..
Or that he’d lose control, and choose to use me through my bank roll, over my heart and soul — I just didn’t know, once before prior, long ago..
Once the man I so absolutely adored to explore — kept score in a war I’ve never experienced before..
Made it harder and harder for me to open my doors to implore that this is the path I could be confident I was made for..
Could feel it at my core, felt so sore..
One day, I wondered to myself, how long have I been trapped, since I slipped and fell through the cracks of his trap door?
Must have slipped and fell, entered hell, but couldn’t tell from his spell..
Tried to seek my friends to help assess, help me mend — he wouldn’t bend..
He’d throw a fit, made sure of it, it became the trend..
Middle aged man in an outrage, made me so afraid — all I could try to do was to disengage..
Always kept me isolated, intimidated, and manipulated, until I came to be debilitated — I was humiliated, this is understated..
What a dk, a fking lunatic, it makes me sick..
Can’t seem to wrap my head around, his aggressive sounds, that’d make me drown — may as well have drowned..
He broke me down, broke my crown..
Double standards, backwards manners..
Introspection kept me guessing, endless stressing..
All the while, it was rare that he’d bare any self-reflection — just deflection..
Without detection, he bred infection — and it spread, spread with perfection..
Manipulation used as a lethal weapon — felt so threatened..
No escape in sight, when your partners bound you tight, out of spite..
He made me question my reality, my memories, my perceptions — so much deception..
Began to spiral in regression, lost my sense of self, and all my loved connections..
It was him all along, caused by all his toxic projections..
But oh boy — the disparity of his sincerity — when a lifelong girlfriend of mine, shed light and brought transparency, that apparently, he even lingered on the dating apps, and that’s a fact..
Still to this very day, he can’t hide his tracks..
Never knew such a hypocrite could co-exist..
How quick he preys, without delay — a predator, far from pure, that’s for sure..
So naive in disbelief, I was indeed..
I became a mess, so depressed..
I should have left, but was oppressed, and second guessed..
To my dismay, I need to get away — it’s NOT okay, at least not today..
But how long will I stay? I couldn’t say..
I had no say, no cards to play..
So with dismay, I just sadly laid..
Day after day, my life is delayed..
What a sad sight, I must have portrayed..
But when there’s no will in my core — there’s no point in life to explore..
Now, I can see with clear sight — how our relationship didn’t make me feel so good anymore..
Now I can see how once before prior, I would have previously doubted I could become so frequently ungrounded, dismounted..
I’m astounded how my mind could have felt so crowded, became clouded..
Guess that’s what happens when I’m trapped, and I’m surrounded, impounded..
Seems like he deemed I was never right, so we’d always fight — from the start of day until the end of night — so much blight..
I’d say it wasn’t always bad, what we had..
Just had to stay confined within his lines, then all was fine — he’d stay benign..
But over time, I seemed to lose the channels of my radio — I seemed to lose my voice, my very own precious audio..
Almost like a puppet in a puppet show — just a piece of useless cargo — doesn’t even have a voice, mastered by another’s choice..
My individuality, my personality — where did it go?
This feeling seemed to have occurred so slow, yet at the very same time, seemed to instantly domino — all at once, like a hard hit from a lethal crossbow..
Couldn’t seem to grasp the undertow from this vertigo — felt like I was sinking down into a sinkhole way down below — pleaded for someone to help me gain control..
What a low blow, that he chose to impose a plateau — an upward hill battle, that became our battle zone, never to be overthrown..
I can’t hit the keyboard key, “Control-Z”, to undo and erase this part of me, within my history..
But my experiences are what’s made me — me — and have helped form my unique world view — as it’s done the very same, for each and every one of you too..
It doesn’t matter if others believe any of this rendezvous is even the slightest bit true..
There are just too many things in this lifetime to be grateful for, and to pursue — and being devalued is no longer something that I will allow to continue to accrue…
I’ve had to make my own breakthrough, due to my own love, leveraged on my own potential internal revenue..
I do suppose my story won’t end, in an endless black hole..
Because here and now, I’m climbing back up the totem pole..
No more confusion, no more depression, no more having the reality of my intentions questioned..
I won’t pretend I can’t amend my own perception of self-worth — something that was gifted to me, at the very moment of my own birth — and I’ll always know my friends will lend a hand, to place the bumper cones and make sure I’m not alone..
But let me tell you, here and now, while I’m here on this very microphone — all that abuse, there’s no excuse..
Once before prior — I felt so embarrassed and ashamed, and like there was no one else to blame, but myself — that’s my confession, that’s my lesson..
But now I’m stepping free, now I can be me — I’ll have to count my blessings..
drops 🎤✌🏽
🌻🌿
